Out of my Mind: Emmerdale Untold
by ajfankeith
Summary: Another one-shot: a 'behind the scenes' look at Aaron's counselling


Out of My Mind: Emmerdale Untold

_My thanks to my friend Sharon for giving me the idea for this story_

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_DISCLAIMER: I am not connected to Emmerdale and its characters, which belong to ITV_

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Aaron stared at the wallpaper with a blank expression on his face. He thought back to the first time that he had stepped into this office and Phil, his counsellor, had joked about not blaming him for the decor; a memory that brought a little smirk to his face. Phil waited patiently for him to speak again. Aaron always found it difficult to talk openly about Jackson but there again; that was the reason why he came here. There was no point in handing over good money to Phillip Gregory for his services and then just sit in his office and behave as if he had been struck dumb!

Aaron looked back at his counsellor and his blue eyes focussed on him. "I'm sorry, I just needed a breather!" Aaron spoke in hushed tones.

"It's OK, Aaron, I understand, in your own time."

"It's just that I still miss him; I think about him all the time! I so wish that he was still here now; to give me grief; call me an idiot! Sometimes, I used to hate him when he patronised me...he used to think, now and then, that he was better than me; and he was right!" Aaron paused again, drew a breath and then continued, "But then, even though he'd tell me off, I knew I deserved it and, somehow, that just made me love him more...for caring about me enough to tell me off in the first place. Sorry! I don't know if I'm making sense!" Aaron looked at Phil.

"Yes, you are," Phil said comfortingly, "Go on."

"I don't know what else to say."

"Tell me more about Jackson; the sort of person he really was."

"He was special! I really struggled to come out; but he was so comfortable with who he was; even though he'd had a lot of grief from his Dad over it...I didn't know about that until later, of course. But he showed me how I could be happy with being gay; not to worry about what other people thought. There was me, playing the hard man; making out I didn't give a stuff about other people; and yet I was so afraid to live like that, of what people would say, that I almost topped myself over it. But, he understood why I did it...that was him all over; understanding, kind, gentle, patient; all the things I wasn't!"

"But all the things you wanted to be?" Phil looked directly into Aaron's eyes.

"Yeah, I'm probably a better person because of him! That's why I hated letting him down; I should have saved him! I should have talked him round; I'm sure he could have had a good life if only he'd given it time!"

"But, you said before; you helped him."

Aaron looked at the floor, almost afraid to look at Phil again, "Yeah, he wanted to die, I knew that...hell, I'd been through the same thing myself, but for different reasons. But, I lived; and he should have done too!"

Aaron looked around the room as if he had lost something, then he looked at Phil again, "I was always letting him down, I even missed his funeral! I promised I'd be there...but I missed it. I messed up again!"

"So, what did you do then?"

"When the police let me go, I went straight to his grave; to apologise for not being there. I took a few cans and we shared them; well, I tipped his drink on the grave," Aaron looked a bit sheepish, as if his words sounded daft, "Then I stayed with him all night; I slept by the graveside. I didn't want him to be on his own; I wanted him to know that I was there for him."

"I'm sure he did," Phil encouraged Aaron to continue.

"I've been back to see him, often. They put a headstone up; I stood staring at it for ages. Ashley, that's our local vicar, said that it helps to have a place to go; to remember someone. But that's the trouble; all I remember is giving him that cup of poison, they should have punished me!" Tears began to well up in Aaron's eyes and Phil passed him a box of tissues.

"Thanks," said Aaron, taking a tissue from the box and dabbing his eyes, "You must think I'm a right soft git!"

"Not at all," Phil said, smiling warmly, "Just take your time; you're doing fine. So, had you started the self-harming at this stage?"

"Yes. In fact, when I first looked at the gravestone, I tried to think about what Ashley had said; but then I went and scraped my knuckles on another old headstone."

"Do you know why you did that?"

"It made me feel better; that must sound really stupid!"

"I understand, Aaron, you were using the pain as a way of blocking out your emotions."

Aaron felt relieved that Phil was not judging him, but attempting to explain why Aaron acted the way he did; he felt able to continue, "That's why I cut myself, you know, to make me feel better. But I know it's wrong; it upsets my Mum and Hazel. I don't want to upset them; but I can't seem to stop it. Trouble is; it just gives me another reason to hate myself!" Aaron took another tissue to wipe away the tears running down his face. He did not think it would be very polite to use his cuffs in front of Phil.

"You said that you and Jackson once went abroad on holiday together; tell me about that."

Aaron smiled at the memory, "Yeah; Lanzarote! We had a right laugh; it was one of the happiest times of my life!"

"Do you feel like cutting yourself when you think about that holiday?"

"No, of course not; I was happy!" Aaron looked at Phil as if he had asked him a stupid question.

"What about other happy times? You must have had some!"

"I suppose so. We had some really good times together at Bar West. I always enjoyed being with Jackson; he was always good company and we would have a few beers and then go back to his place or mine. What's that expression? You don't know what you've got till it's gone!"

"So, you could say that you have some happy memories?"

Aaron suddenly remembered something else, "Oh yeah, there was the time that we went to Whitby and I arranged a sky-dive for Jackson. He loved it. I was trying to show him that life was worth living; but it didn't work. I was supposed to go up with him; but I bottled it! Once more I let him down, but it did give him the chance to take the piss out of me! Trouble is; all the happy times seem to fade into the background; 'cos all I ever see is Jackson in that bed; pleading with me and his Mum to give him that drink! I didn't want to! I was bricking it; I was shaking and thought I was going to spill it all over him; I wish I had now!" Aaron had to take a fresh tissue; his tears had become a flood.

"What did you do after that?"

"I legged it. Hazel stayed there with him, but I had to get out. I ran across the field. I felt sick; in fact, I was sick! Adam, my best mate, found me and tried to calm me down. I felt my whole world had just caved in! I just wish I could turn the clock back. When Hazel couldn't do it; I took the drink from her...I wish I'd thrown the bleedin' stuff away!"

Phil looked pensive; then he said, "So how would you have felt if that had happened; Jackson pleading with you to help him; and you letting him down?"

"I dunno! I was always letting him down!"

"What would Jackson think about you cutting yourself?"

"He'd hate it! He'd tell me I was a div!" Aaron frowned, "He hated anything like that; violence and bloodshed."

"Do you feel you're still letting him down now?"

"Yeah," Aaron squeezed the tissue in his hands; and he gulped before he continued, "he gave me so much; so much love; so much understanding and all I ever did was disappoint him."

"I'm sure you gave him great happiness too. Why else would he have chosen you?"

"That's the six-million dollar question isn't it? I never did understand why he stayed with me! I used to get up to all sorts of things; and a lot of it made him mad as hell; yet he still stuck by me. I don't think I'll ever really know why he did."

"What would you say to him now, if you could?"

Aaron paused and thought hard about Phil's question, and then he answered, "I'd tell him how much I miss him and how much I love him. I'd tell him that I was sorry for all the times I mucked things up and made him mad at me. I'd tell him how amazing and special he was and how nobody had ever made me feel the way he did. I'd thank him for standing by me and never giving up on me; and for showing me that I could be happy with who I was...happy with him by my side. That day, when he decided to end it all, he asked me to 'never forget him', but that was a ridiculous thing to say! How can I ever forget the only man I ever loved? I didn't know it at the time; but he was everything to me and he'll always be in here," Aaron put his hand on his heart as his tears fell once more.

But, he did feel better for getting his feelings off his chest and, maybe, he could get through this; with a little help.


End file.
